When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago, one of the big decisions we needed to make was whether or not we wanted more children so that we could complete fertility treatment prior to chemo to ensure that could be a possibility. We ended up having 15 embryos, 5 of which we had genetically tested. From those 5, 2 were healthy, viable embryos, which ended up being both female. My doctor said that in 2 years I would be cleared to have another baby.
Rewind a little to many years prior to this as Wade and I discussed our future family plans. He wanted 6 kids, I wanted 4. Wade, however, felt that we would have 5-2 boys and 3 girls. Fast forward again. When we received the news about the female embryos it felt like things were going to work out.
I endured a year of cancer treatment, first chemo, then bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction, then radiation. During this time I watched pretty much every friend of child-bearing age get pregnant and deliver their babies. I then faced another year of health struggles including iron deficiency and depression/anxiety, which left me exhausted and on the verge of a breakdown almost constantly. It was a hard time. Once those were under control I felt great, probably the best I had felt since before I had had children.
Two years came and my doctor said she'd prefer I wait until I had had at least 3 years of anti-estrogen treatment. That meant waiting until almost 4 years after my diagnosis. So much longer than we had ever expected. Then, Marie, my PA said if I were her sister she would tell me that I really shouldn't take the risk. That, along with several discussion with other doctors, lead us to start considering other options.
My therapist brought up using a gestational carrier. Not my ideal, but we weren't sure what else to do. We started to explore the option with my friend Libby, but felt that wasn't the way. Then, several months later while discussing the dilemma of carrying a baby myself with my good friend Andrea, she brought up using a gestational carrier to me. She then said she would be willing to do that for us. I was shocked and amazed and just so overwhelmed by such an incredibly selfless offer.
After a lot of discussion we decided to move forward with Andrea. It took several months of preparations-writing a contract, meeting with a therapist several times, getting approved by an ethics committee, waiting for her cycle to return, shots. Finally, in February we got the news-she was pregnant! At the first ultrasound, much to Wade's disappointment, there was just one baby (he had always hoped for and felt like it was going to be twins). Then at the next appointment it was clear that there were, in fact, 2 babies. We couldn't believe it, but we also could. It felt like such an amazing gift and miracle. We were excited and overwhelmed and also scared. Over the next couple of weeks as we had another ultrasound, it became clear that the babies shared an amniotic sac, which is very risky. Yet, we felt confident and faithful that it was all going to be fine.
At the 16/17 week ultrasound on May 19th, the sweet babies had no heartbeats. They passed away somewhere around 14 weeks gestation. Andrea agreed to deliver the babies. The following day she was induced and just around midnight on May 20 into May 21st, our tiny baby girls were delivered. The nurses and doctor were very supportive and sensitive to our situation. Nonetheless, it was extremely emotional and exhausting and also confusing.
The next morning after very little sleep, we drove to Waynesville to bury the tiny girls in the Sutton Family cemetery. A friend of Burl's built a beautiful wooden casket and all of Wade's family was there to support us as we buried them.
These past couple of months have been hard as we have tried to make sense of this. We have been seeking to know what we should do next. Do we try again with Andrea? Do we try using our other friend, Amanda, who has also offered? Do we foster to adopt? Do we just stop now and savor our children we already have? We don't know, but we are trying to understand and hope that the path will be made clear.
